When I look back, dealing with my dad's needs on a day to day basis seemed second nature to me. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was tiring. Yes, it was often overwhelming. But I miss it! I miss that good feeling I would get inside of helping him, figuring things out, getting one of those "ah ha!" moments, and spending time with him. Dealing with his death, at this moment, seems a lot harder than the care giving was.
Although I want to tie up loose ends, get my house back, get my old life back... I'm not doing anything to get that accomplished. I'm kind of glad it is taking so long for the death certificates to get here. (AZ is SO slow!) If I don't have them, I don't have to tie up those loose ends. It makes it... like it isn't true. Maybe that's why I have put off cleaning up his room. I did donate his clothing, but all the other stuff is still there. His prayer book and glasses are still on his night stand. His pictures are still hung up. The calendar is still on March.
I should be so much more organized and caught up now. I have so much more "free" time. But it's really hard to use that time. It's my dad's time. Allowing myself to grieve is my challenge. I know I am tough on myself. "I should be over this by now" I have heard myself say. "I should not be cying!" is another of my thoughts. Inside, I know these are both false. I have to deal with this in my own way for as long as it takes. The trouble is, I've never had to deal with the death of my dad after an extended care giving time in my home. I just don't know how to do it. But I do know that time will help. And I will be patient with myself. That's my new mantra.
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4 comments:
That's a very good mantra. It is your nature to take care of others. Now it is time to take care of yourself. Love you.
Marcia,
You did it again. Make me cry. You are such an amazing woman with so many great talents. Take the time and grieve. Thats what you need to do. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. Hang in there.
Tiff xoxo
I am trying to see if I can change my name. sorry to use your blog for this purpose, but i don't know how else to do it :-)
but Marcia, you SHOULD be crying. Crying is very healing, it is a neccessary response!! I think it was 10 years before I could talk about my dad without crying!!! I know God's grace will help you and comfort you, as will your beautiful children and Tom. It was such an honor to get to meet Dawn and Smith and to hear them sing and play in church! It was so moving. Isn't it great having our kids big enough and old enough to be a support for us?
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and all of your family. and YES I can see your dad prancing down the beach in his black speedo and big straw hat!!!Much Love, Terese
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