When I look back, dealing with my dad's needs on a day to day basis seemed second nature to me. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was tiring. Yes, it was often overwhelming. But I miss it! I miss that good feeling I would get inside of helping him, figuring things out, getting one of those "ah ha!" moments, and spending time with him. Dealing with his death, at this moment, seems a lot harder than the care giving was.
Although I want to tie up loose ends, get my house back, get my old life back... I'm not doing anything to get that accomplished. I'm kind of glad it is taking so long for the death certificates to get here. (AZ is SO slow!) If I don't have them, I don't have to tie up those loose ends. It makes it... like it isn't true. Maybe that's why I have put off cleaning up his room. I did donate his clothing, but all the other stuff is still there. His prayer book and glasses are still on his night stand. His pictures are still hung up. The calendar is still on March.
I should be so much more organized and caught up now. I have so much more "free" time. But it's really hard to use that time. It's my dad's time. Allowing myself to grieve is my challenge. I know I am tough on myself. "I should be over this by now" I have heard myself say. "I should not be cying!" is another of my thoughts. Inside, I know these are both false. I have to deal with this in my own way for as long as it takes. The trouble is, I've never had to deal with the death of my dad after an extended care giving time in my home. I just don't know how to do it. But I do know that time will help. And I will be patient with myself. That's my new mantra.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
THE AFTERMATH OF ALZHEIMER'S by Renee' E. Davis
Slowly the memories fade away
and you were left with barely a word to say
I watched over you, with all the strength I had
so nothing else would hurt you and times wouldn't seem so bad
Then as the disease progressed, I protected you even more,
holding the demons at bay, to try and even the score
As time marched on and we were losing our grip
I was bound and determined you were not alone in this never ending trip
I wrapped my arms around you, the least I could do
and promised you your dignify, I would always pursue
The shadows of the disease, were taking their toll
but I would never give up, forever safeguarding your soul.
As time grew nearer to the end.
I knew freedom was the only mend.
So I loved you enough, to let you go
and now with God, I'll see your glow
I am left here holding the piece of my heart
that promises me, we are never apart.
When I think of you, a smile crosses my face
and comfort surrounds me, knowing you reached that higher place.
God received an angel, when you entered his light
and it is my word of honor: your legacy will forever shine bright
by Renee' E. Davis
Renee' is the group facilitator of the support group I attended, and continue to attend. Her new book "The Aftermath of Alzheimer's Disease -what happens to caregivers after the loss sits on my desk waiting for me to start reading. I noticed the above poem as I flipped through the book.
I'm not sure how I will be using this blog anymore. I still want to write my thoughts in it somehow......I'll figure it out.
and you were left with barely a word to say
I watched over you, with all the strength I had
so nothing else would hurt you and times wouldn't seem so bad
Then as the disease progressed, I protected you even more,
holding the demons at bay, to try and even the score
As time marched on and we were losing our grip
I was bound and determined you were not alone in this never ending trip
I wrapped my arms around you, the least I could do
and promised you your dignify, I would always pursue
The shadows of the disease, were taking their toll
but I would never give up, forever safeguarding your soul.
As time grew nearer to the end.
I knew freedom was the only mend.
So I loved you enough, to let you go
and now with God, I'll see your glow
I am left here holding the piece of my heart
that promises me, we are never apart.
When I think of you, a smile crosses my face
and comfort surrounds me, knowing you reached that higher place.
God received an angel, when you entered his light
and it is my word of honor: your legacy will forever shine bright
by Renee' E. Davis
Renee' is the group facilitator of the support group I attended, and continue to attend. Her new book "The Aftermath of Alzheimer's Disease -what happens to caregivers after the loss sits on my desk waiting for me to start reading. I noticed the above poem as I flipped through the book.
I'm not sure how I will be using this blog anymore. I still want to write my thoughts in it somehow......I'll figure it out.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
lack of sleep
My house is still very quiet. It is the first time that my husband and I have been alone. Everyone has to adjust to that at one time or another, I know. But I have two things to adjust to now.
I have found it quite difficult to change speeds. For the past year and a half, I have been in constant motion between working and caring for my dad. While it was happening, I just kept on going and accomplished quite a bit, although neglecting quite a bit too. Now, I just can't find a happy medium between that high gear and low gear. Or maybe I should say between high gear and stop. It has been getting a little easier at times, but there have been those days when I have to force myself to go to work. I am literally kicking myself out the door! I just want to sit. Maybe sleep, but that's not the best because then I can't sleep at night. I have been living on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and I know that is NOT good. So with a little help from my friend, and now my doctor, I know I will be able to get a better night's sleep. Which may help. I hope.
I have found it quite difficult to change speeds. For the past year and a half, I have been in constant motion between working and caring for my dad. While it was happening, I just kept on going and accomplished quite a bit, although neglecting quite a bit too. Now, I just can't find a happy medium between that high gear and low gear. Or maybe I should say between high gear and stop. It has been getting a little easier at times, but there have been those days when I have to force myself to go to work. I am literally kicking myself out the door! I just want to sit. Maybe sleep, but that's not the best because then I can't sleep at night. I have been living on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and I know that is NOT good. So with a little help from my friend, and now my doctor, I know I will be able to get a better night's sleep. Which may help. I hope.
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