Wednesday evening...

I don't know what I would do without Hospice of the Valley. They are wonderful people who have made the last week bearable. They have quickly returned calls, visited 6 times since my dad came back to our home last Friday, and provided me with information, suggestions, counsel, and hugs. My dad's physical condition continues to decline. I think his pain is under control now and he is, for the most part, resting comfortably. This morning he softly said he loved me when I hugged his head, and he is holding my hand a lot now. He even held his care giver's hand, and Tom's too.

Knowing that my dad will not be with us for much longer is sad. It is heartbreaking to see him as he is. It is really difficult, tiring, and overwhelming to care for him. But I am going to miss him very much. I told him that it has been my pleasure caring for him, and it really has been. It's been hard, especially since his physical decline, but it would have been harder not to do this for him. Being able to spend the last year and a half with him has been wonderful, it really has been. Seeing him, getting hugs, playing games, laughing, sharing holidays, spending quiet time - these will be the things I will remember dearly. When he is no longer in his failing body and mind, I am planning on picturing him with my mom, brother, sister...his parents, his brothers and sisters, all those who were part of his life, and of course, with our Lord. He will be strong and whole, rejoicing in his everlasting life. And yet, I know I will be inconsolable for a time.

But in the meantime, I will care for him. I am trying to use the suggestions and help I get from friends and Hospice to make these days comfortable for my dad. This is not easy...the care giving or the accepting of help. But his comfort is of utmost importance to me, and every day, I pray that as he approaches his final journey, he will leave this one with a peaceful heart, love, and dignity.