Changes

I'm having a hard time facing the facts. I keep expecting my dad to get back to himself. The "himself" of a few months ago. The "himself" of confusing thoughts, poor memory, a little agitation, and some incontinence. The "himself" who enjoyed my cooking, played some cards and boardgames, watched tv, yelled at the football games, and laughed whole heartedly at things on tv or things I would say to him. I would welcome him back, but memory difficulties continue to worsen. Awareness of his body is declining. I believe he has all the symptoms up to and including stage #6 in the stages of Alzheimer's Disease. #7 symptoms are emerging. http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp#stage6

But even worse, if anything can be worse, is that of his physical decline. His breathing continues to be labored and he is very swollen. Walking a distance of 20 feet, using the bathroom, or taking a shower make him so tired that he can't keep his eyes open. It is a heart breaking thing for me to see. He got up about 10 today and had a big breakfast (banana/grapes, 3 eggs, ham, fried potatoes, english muffin). By the time he was finished with that at 11, it was back to bed. He got up about 3 and had a 1/2 sandwich and chips, let me cut his hair and shave him, and that wore him out. He needed to take a shower, or at least use the bathroom, but he refused to and went back to bed. I went in and woke him at 7. I scared the bejeebers out of him, despite my attempt not to do that. He asked where his mom was. I told him she was out, but Tom and I were going to help get him cleaned up. He seemed to accept that response. He had some trouble finding words, or maybe it is "labeling objects", and kept asking for his undershirt over and over and over. I figured out it was his bathrobe he wanted. Anyway, he let Tom ( not me) help him up and get him to the bathroom and into the shower to sit on the seat in there. We put in a hand held shower head this evening, and he used that, and allowed me to help him scrub (and tell him where to scrub). He let Tom help him to dry off and get on his underwear. He walked back to his room and was fast asleep after a quick snack and drink (served to him in bed). He is having to rely on more help with dressing and hygiene. He is very weak, and even fell today when going back to bed after lunch. Thank goodness my friend Laura had just dropped by! I needed her help and support. (thanks, Laura!)

So I am beginning to face the fact that we just might need Hospice. I don't think he is in pain. I think he is tired. I think he is tired of being tired. And I think that having some more help, although I don't know what they will do at this point, would be good. I'm hoping to make it through the weekend without too much guilt that I haven't done this earlier. But it is a real hard thing to do. And I will never stop hoping that tomorrow will be a better day than today. Each and every day I will will never stop hoping that. Like I said, facing the truth is really hard. But these changes the past few weeks...they are heartbreaking.