In a quandry...

This has been quite a busy week for me. Keeping up with stuff, and monitoring my dad while he is at the Dobson House has consumed my days. I have met with the doctor twice, and find her to be a very caring woman who not only wants the best for my dad, but listens to me too. He is on oxygen, and takes regular breathing treatments. He has not been out of bed the last 4 days, except for sitting on the side of the bed to eat his lunch while I was there on Wednesday. He is still swollen, but the diuretics appears to be working. When he is lying down, his legs are less swollen, but when he got up (sitting on the side), within 45 minutes they were huge and hard again. The increase in urine has irritated his skin and he has a large, sensitive rash in that area, in addition to a gross amount of swelling. Cleaning him has been painful, to the point where I have had to go to the end of the hall or outside because I can't tolerate the yelling from him. He is getting regular low doses of morphine, which seems to help a bit with that pain, but makes him groggy. He has been very cooperative with the staff through all the things they have had to do for him, to him. He thanks them (for putting him in pain!) He eats most of his breakfast and lunch, and I coax him to eat more of his dinner than he would have if I wasn't there. And he sleeps.

He has been there one week today, and I do not know what I am going to do when he is discharged. Yesterday I went and looked at a hospice home about a mile from here, but I was not impressed with the answers I got to my questions. Not at all. I am going to see another one this morning. Having my dad go live somewhere else, having someone else care for him is not a pleasant thing for me to think about. And I am not sure I want to do that. Having him live with us again, and all that entails, is overwhelming to think about. I have been told that I am not super woman. I know that. But I do know that I am a loving daughter and I will do what I think is the best for my dad. That one hospice home would not be the best for him. I'm not closed to the idea of him being somewhere else, not at all. I have to find a home that I feel 100% comfortable with leaving his care to them.

To be at my house, we'd need a hospital bed, wheel chair, maybe a hoyer lift (a sling that has a pneumatic lifting device). We'd need all the equipment that we already have, but may not be able to use it because my dad can't get out of bed. I can get him up to sitting on the side of the bed, but as of Friday, I could not get him to stand. He's dead weight and couldn't help enough for that. If here, his regular care giver, who is very willing to extend her hours and do whatever is needed, and I would be responsible for the worst job - that of changing his diaper - I hate that word for him. But it is what it is. I have done it before, and I think I can do it regularly. I would not like it, I do not want to do it, but I can. I think. I hope. We would still get hospice services, including a weekly visit from a nurse and an aid that would give him bed baths and I don't know what else. The staff at the Dobson House tried unsuccessfully to put a catheter in my dad. They couldn't get it in. :( They are going to try to get another piece that they are out of as of yesterday, and try again. I'm thinking that would be a good thing. He would be able to stay dry and hopefully, that would help heal that painful rash he has. And it would be less mess at home.

This care giving has been quite an undertaking, and still is. I have been reminded that I have to do what is best for my dad, and not just make a decision that is best for me. It just seems that either way, I lose. If he's away, I will continue to visit, worry, and fret. If he is here, it is more of a demand on me and my husband. He says he will support my decision either way. And I know I can change my mind if either doesn't work out. I just wish there was a manual on this.