hi Dad!

My husband and I went to Hawaii in July. We had a very restful vacation and enjoyed the beautiful sights of Maui, and our time away from all the hustle and bustle of life. We were quite surprised to see my dad sitting there....

This man was so kind as to let me take his picture. I hope he is as kind if he ever comes across his picture on my blog!

He's always in my thoughts, but I never expected to see him while on my vacation. :)

Happy Father's Day

This is the day we honor our fathers. We have family get togethers, we spend time with them, we send cards across the miles, we make phone calls, we get them gifts, or we spend some time thinking about them. There are lots of us out there whose fathers aren't with us on this holiday. For some, it's a day of remembering the good, the bad, and the ugly. (Hey, no ones perfect... not even our fathers.) But I would guess that fond memories are with us all. I've been thinking of all the things I did with my dad that made me feel very special. When he went on Saturdays to play tennis, he would take me with him. While he played with his friend, I would hit the ball against the wall at the high school - wishing that someday, I could play as good as he did. After getting all A's on my report card, he and I would go out for dinner - and it was always to a fancy schmancy place (or so I thought at that age) and I felt so grown up and special to be there. He had the highest expectations for me, but I also thought he had reasonable expectations and at least some degree of understanding when I didn't live up to them. He instilled strong work ethics in me. He was a good example for having faith and doing for others. He demonstrated kindness, manners, and love of life. I will be forever grateful for these gifts.

I have also been blessed with a wonderful father-in-law. I always tell him that he is my favorite father-in-law, as I assume that I am his favorite daughter-in-law. We are both the "only" for each other. He is a very special man, and to this day, a loving father to his adult children, grandchildren, and to me.

I've been double lucky. :)

revisiting...

I know I have written, maybe just a few times :) about how hard it was to have had my dad with us. But despite it all, I miss not only him and caring for him, but also my contact with his age group. I have been thinking a long time about something, and finally did it this past weekend. I started working at a health center, a.k.a nursing home/short term rehabilitation center on Saturday. I had a lot of trouble with orienting myself with the facility, with paperwork, with charting, with just knowing how the heck to document and maneuver through the maze of medicare and insurance rules. I still don't know it (there was actually no one there to teach me or guide me through my first day). But despite that...I really enjoyed the clients. I had a few with Alzheimer's and wow... the memories came rushing back hard! I had seen in one particular woman's chart how she had refused services every time the OT went to see her. I found her to be sweet and cooperative, with quite a sense of humor too. "Validate don't agitate" still works! I mentioned to one of the other therapists about what I had seen in this woman's charting about her refusal for therapies. She quickly told me to just "make her do it!" I almost told her that she was preaching to the choir, but instead, I just smiled. If she only knew...

dreams

I'm starting to have some really nice dreams about my dad. It's so good to see him happy and whole, although the things I have dreamt about him are kind of funny. In one of them, he and my mom, and many others were at a scrap booking party. Although my dad was creative and artsy, I just can't picture him scrap booking! But he was, and having a good time doing it too. I've also had other dreams when he is just standing in the background, making me aware he was there, just smiling. My daughter tells me that she has been having dreams about him, but they have been going on for a long time for her. She says that my dad comes to those who can handle it, and maybe I wasn't ready before now. I say...bring 'em on! :)

Still remembering...

I got an unexpected treat in the mail today. It was a card from Hospice of the Valley. On the outside it said, "May cherished memories warm your heart." And on the inside, "The staff and volunteers at Hospice of the Valley want you to know that we are thinking of you as you approach the first anniversary of our loved one's death."

That was heartwarming to me. And my cousin called me today to say the same, as she knew I would be calling her (her mom, my aunt Madelyne, died the day after my dad) and she had left her phone at the golf course and wouldn't be retrieving it for a few days. Her phone call was heartwarming to me too.

Cherished memories are warming my heart, but this "year" anniversary isn't anything I want to celebrate. I just miss him and the anniversary (typically that word has a more joyful connotation) on 3/6 - it's a vivid reminder. But I do want to remember it all, every second with him, even the goodbye. And right now, I am remembering...

remembering...

I have been reading my blog lately, deliberately remembering the last few months I shared with my dad. A year ago yesterday, he came home from the hospice center after a 2 week stay there. I was overwhelmed. I was happy he was back with us, but totally consumed with feelings of sadness, incompetence, and fear. It is hard to believe it was a year ago. Time has been good to me, and healing for me. The anticipation of the year anniversary of my dad's death has been in my head and heart, and weighing down hard on my shoulders. But! It is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thankfully, opportunities to fill that day have been presented and I have gratefully accepted them.

My journey as a caregiver for my dad has ended, but I do know that for many it continues. On a daily basis, they care for their loved one with Alzheimer's Disease, and my heart aches for them. I pray for them, and I hope they know I will do anything within my power to help them along their journey. I wish them all a blessed day today. Taking it one day at a time isn't only for 12 step programs.

Happy New Year

I made it through Christmas without much trouble. And I got a nice treat on Christmas Eve at the midnight mass. An elderly gentleman sat next to me. He must have been at least 80. He winked at me several times, just like my dad did. It felt good. I wonder...was that a gift from my dad? I say yes.

And now, it's New Year's Eve. In a few hours, I will be able to say that my dad died last year. Not much comfort because it still feels like yesterday that he was here. We all lose our parents at one time or another. It's not an easy thing, but it is inevitable. (When someone died, my dad always used to say, "well, that's life!") I guess I realize this and know that it was his time, or was it my time to lose him? His staying with us was totally a gift that I am still grateful for every day. I was totally blessed...oh oh, tearing up!

Happy New Year! Wishing a healthy and happy 2010 to all!

And...check out this link. It's about Ginkgo biloba, which many have been taking to help with brain health and memory loss....
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-12-30-ginkgo30_ST_N.htm