remembering...

I have been reading my blog lately, deliberately remembering the last few months I shared with my dad. A year ago yesterday, he came home from the hospice center after a 2 week stay there. I was overwhelmed. I was happy he was back with us, but totally consumed with feelings of sadness, incompetence, and fear. It is hard to believe it was a year ago. Time has been good to me, and healing for me. The anticipation of the year anniversary of my dad's death has been in my head and heart, and weighing down hard on my shoulders. But! It is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thankfully, opportunities to fill that day have been presented and I have gratefully accepted them.

My journey as a caregiver for my dad has ended, but I do know that for many it continues. On a daily basis, they care for their loved one with Alzheimer's Disease, and my heart aches for them. I pray for them, and I hope they know I will do anything within my power to help them along their journey. I wish them all a blessed day today. Taking it one day at a time isn't only for 12 step programs.

Happy New Year

I made it through Christmas without much trouble. And I got a nice treat on Christmas Eve at the midnight mass. An elderly gentleman sat next to me. He must have been at least 80. He winked at me several times, just like my dad did. It felt good. I wonder...was that a gift from my dad? I say yes.

And now, it's New Year's Eve. In a few hours, I will be able to say that my dad died last year. Not much comfort because it still feels like yesterday that he was here. We all lose our parents at one time or another. It's not an easy thing, but it is inevitable. (When someone died, my dad always used to say, "well, that's life!") I guess I realize this and know that it was his time, or was it my time to lose him? His staying with us was totally a gift that I am still grateful for every day. I was totally blessed...oh oh, tearing up!

Happy New Year! Wishing a healthy and happy 2010 to all!

And...check out this link. It's about Ginkgo biloba, which many have been taking to help with brain health and memory loss....
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-12-30-ginkgo30_ST_N.htm

Rosy Christmas

I have been asked if Christmas time is going to be hard for me this year. We had my dad with us the last two Holiday seasons and it was great to have him here. But over the last 20 years, I have only spent a total of 4 Christmas times with him. So Christmas has not been a time devoted exclusively to my dad. Yes, I have lots of Christmas time memories of him back in Michigan. We all have memories of spending the holidays with our parents. They change as we grew up, but still, time with our folks is always special...I know it was for me.

As I was putting up the tree this year, I thought of that first Christmas my dad was here in 2007. He helped me put the decorations on the tree and we talked about the ornaments...some from him or my mom. Last year, as his health was failing, I simplified the tree decorations. He was there with me as I hung the garland, poinsettia flowers, and bulbs. "Such a pretty tree" he would say.

I was baking over the weekend, and I remembered how, his first Christmas with us, my dad came and snuck dough from my bowl, or swiped cookies as they laid on the cooling rack. Last year, I served him warm cookies and milk as he sat in the family room and watched me do some baking.

I don't anticipate Christmas time to be hard for me this year. I do expect a lot of memories of old, and a lot of more recent memories to be in the front of my mind. That's ok. I want to remember my time with him. Last year's Christmas was my last with him...and most of it was good. :) For now, I am refraining from reading my blog of a year ago. It may cloud my rosy outlook that I am struggling to hold on to.

11/14/09 Alzheimer's Memory Walk

It was a good day. It was a nice walk. There was music, laughs, hugs, families, and friends. It wasn't sad like I thought it might be... just lots of people wanting to share their hopes and dreams for an Alzheimer's Free World! Or at least that's my take on it.

Getting ready for the walk...

I just finished making this. I will be wearing it during the Alzheimer's Memory Walk in November, along with purple shoe laces, purple mardi gras beads, an Alzheimer's Association T shirt and a cap decorated with purple do dads (no pun intended).

I have listed those that I knew, or friend's loved ones, that once traveled the Alzheimer's journey...my dad, my Aunt Gini, Tom's Uncle Don, Renee's mom, Lori/Cindy's dad, and my college roommate's dad.

I've also listed those who continue to courageously live and do battle with Alzheimer's...my dad's friend, Janice's mom, Stan's mom, Emma's husband, and my neighbor's mom.

They, and their families, will all be in my thoughts and in my heart as we walk, as they are every day.

This is weird...

I glanced at the calendar...October 18th. A thought went through my mind..."they" should be getting to Florida pretty soon. I'll have to call "them".

"They and them" = my dad and his wife. They drove to Florida every year about this time for the winter. The last time they did was the winter before my dad came to my house. They never let anyone know when they left. They'd say they would be leaving "soon", and then all of a sudden, I couldn't get hold of them on the phone. Then, I'd try to estimate their arrival time and start calling the place in Florida. They never let anyone know when they arrived there. Thankfully, they always arrived safe and sound. But during that time of travel for them, I was always worrying.

This year, with autumn and the holidays approaching, I suspect I will be recalling our last ones together....hopefully, I'll think of the good stuff.

And the march is on....

This is the link to my page for the Alzheimer's Memory Walk. If you can...thank you! If not...think of us! And thanks for that too!

http://memorywalk2009.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=294345&lis=1&kntae294345=2EFD1E6FB04C4774B82B00E3AE98C1B0&supId=273427144