it goes on...

It's hard to believe that Christmas is here again. While preparing this year, I have thought a lot about my dad. He was here for 2 Christmas seasons and I have many great memories of that time. The only time my dad ever came into the kitchen to get food was when I was baking. I would pretend I didn't see him, and he'd quietly sneak in behind me and steal a cookie. And of course I would playfully scold him for being a thief! He joyfully accepted gifts, often doing that "oooooooooooooo......wonderful!" comment, especially with something soft and warm, like a blanket or slippers. He enjoyed listening to holiday music, which I had on a lot when I was baking. He'd be sitting at the table or in the family room tapping his feet, wagging his head to the beat of the music and smiling. That will always be a cherished memory. I told my husband last night that I really miss his laugh. That big, loud, belly laugh... :)

As my life has returned to somewhat of a normal state, our experiences with my dad have changed me forever. My heart is heavy for those who continue to care for their loved ones. I know it is a most challenging time that is filled with overwhelming sadness, fatigue, worry, isolation, frustration, questions, concerns, and anger at the whole situation. But I also hope it is a time when love is forefront, governing all that needs to be done. Our loved ones have changed, but they are still there. I remember that we never wanted to see that look of confusion or fear or anger on my dad's face, and somehow, we were able to minimize it with unconditional love, acceptance, and patience - most of the time. It's not easy, I know. But I truly wanted to, and did, enjoy every moment with my dad, this new dad. And part of having that love forefront was remembering to care for me. Again, this was not easy - and I didn't always do it either. But I did become quite skilled at napping during the day when I could to make up for lost sleep. I rarely, but did at times, ask for friends' help and my family was always willing to help when I asked. It got easier to do that asking and was always a life saver. I also was lucky to have found a very kind caregiver for my dad while I was working. She made my life so much easier - and kept my dad happy and my house clean! I never could have done both 24/7, but she made it possible for me on the weekends when I was home. And of course, if anyone had an ear, I would fill it.

The purpose of this entry? I guess to remember out loud that the fight goes on, that families continue to care for their loved ones, and that I personally have them all in my prayers...every day. To my wonderful mother and father in-law, and to Deb and Jim - you are all remarkable people and I love you all.

A day to remember?

Once again it is September 21st, World Alzheimer's Day. I don't want to celebrate it, remember it, or think about it. At least not today.

hi Dad!

My husband and I went to Hawaii in July. We had a very restful vacation and enjoyed the beautiful sights of Maui, and our time away from all the hustle and bustle of life. We were quite surprised to see my dad sitting there....

This man was so kind as to let me take his picture. I hope he is as kind if he ever comes across his picture on my blog!

He's always in my thoughts, but I never expected to see him while on my vacation. :)

Happy Father's Day

This is the day we honor our fathers. We have family get togethers, we spend time with them, we send cards across the miles, we make phone calls, we get them gifts, or we spend some time thinking about them. There are lots of us out there whose fathers aren't with us on this holiday. For some, it's a day of remembering the good, the bad, and the ugly. (Hey, no ones perfect... not even our fathers.) But I would guess that fond memories are with us all. I've been thinking of all the things I did with my dad that made me feel very special. When he went on Saturdays to play tennis, he would take me with him. While he played with his friend, I would hit the ball against the wall at the high school - wishing that someday, I could play as good as he did. After getting all A's on my report card, he and I would go out for dinner - and it was always to a fancy schmancy place (or so I thought at that age) and I felt so grown up and special to be there. He had the highest expectations for me, but I also thought he had reasonable expectations and at least some degree of understanding when I didn't live up to them. He instilled strong work ethics in me. He was a good example for having faith and doing for others. He demonstrated kindness, manners, and love of life. I will be forever grateful for these gifts.

I have also been blessed with a wonderful father-in-law. I always tell him that he is my favorite father-in-law, as I assume that I am his favorite daughter-in-law. We are both the "only" for each other. He is a very special man, and to this day, a loving father to his adult children, grandchildren, and to me.

I've been double lucky. :)

revisiting...

I know I have written, maybe just a few times :) about how hard it was to have had my dad with us. But despite it all, I miss not only him and caring for him, but also my contact with his age group. I have been thinking a long time about something, and finally did it this past weekend. I started working at a health center, a.k.a nursing home/short term rehabilitation center on Saturday. I had a lot of trouble with orienting myself with the facility, with paperwork, with charting, with just knowing how the heck to document and maneuver through the maze of medicare and insurance rules. I still don't know it (there was actually no one there to teach me or guide me through my first day). But despite that...I really enjoyed the clients. I had a few with Alzheimer's and wow... the memories came rushing back hard! I had seen in one particular woman's chart how she had refused services every time the OT went to see her. I found her to be sweet and cooperative, with quite a sense of humor too. "Validate don't agitate" still works! I mentioned to one of the other therapists about what I had seen in this woman's charting about her refusal for therapies. She quickly told me to just "make her do it!" I almost told her that she was preaching to the choir, but instead, I just smiled. If she only knew...

dreams

I'm starting to have some really nice dreams about my dad. It's so good to see him happy and whole, although the things I have dreamt about him are kind of funny. In one of them, he and my mom, and many others were at a scrap booking party. Although my dad was creative and artsy, I just can't picture him scrap booking! But he was, and having a good time doing it too. I've also had other dreams when he is just standing in the background, making me aware he was there, just smiling. My daughter tells me that she has been having dreams about him, but they have been going on for a long time for her. She says that my dad comes to those who can handle it, and maybe I wasn't ready before now. I say...bring 'em on! :)

Still remembering...

I got an unexpected treat in the mail today. It was a card from Hospice of the Valley. On the outside it said, "May cherished memories warm your heart." And on the inside, "The staff and volunteers at Hospice of the Valley want you to know that we are thinking of you as you approach the first anniversary of our loved one's death."

That was heartwarming to me. And my cousin called me today to say the same, as she knew I would be calling her (her mom, my aunt Madelyne, died the day after my dad) and she had left her phone at the golf course and wouldn't be retrieving it for a few days. Her phone call was heartwarming to me too.

Cherished memories are warming my heart, but this "year" anniversary isn't anything I want to celebrate. I just miss him and the anniversary (typically that word has a more joyful connotation) on 3/6 - it's a vivid reminder. But I do want to remember it all, every second with him, even the goodbye. And right now, I am remembering...

remembering...

I have been reading my blog lately, deliberately remembering the last few months I shared with my dad. A year ago yesterday, he came home from the hospice center after a 2 week stay there. I was overwhelmed. I was happy he was back with us, but totally consumed with feelings of sadness, incompetence, and fear. It is hard to believe it was a year ago. Time has been good to me, and healing for me. The anticipation of the year anniversary of my dad's death has been in my head and heart, and weighing down hard on my shoulders. But! It is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thankfully, opportunities to fill that day have been presented and I have gratefully accepted them.

My journey as a caregiver for my dad has ended, but I do know that for many it continues. On a daily basis, they care for their loved one with Alzheimer's Disease, and my heart aches for them. I pray for them, and I hope they know I will do anything within my power to help them along their journey. I wish them all a blessed day today. Taking it one day at a time isn't only for 12 step programs.