it goes on...

It's hard to believe that Christmas is here again. While preparing this year, I have thought a lot about my dad. He was here for 2 Christmas seasons and I have many great memories of that time. The only time my dad ever came into the kitchen to get food was when I was baking. I would pretend I didn't see him, and he'd quietly sneak in behind me and steal a cookie. And of course I would playfully scold him for being a thief! He joyfully accepted gifts, often doing that "oooooooooooooo......wonderful!" comment, especially with something soft and warm, like a blanket or slippers. He enjoyed listening to holiday music, which I had on a lot when I was baking. He'd be sitting at the table or in the family room tapping his feet, wagging his head to the beat of the music and smiling. That will always be a cherished memory. I told my husband last night that I really miss his laugh. That big, loud, belly laugh... :)

As my life has returned to somewhat of a normal state, our experiences with my dad have changed me forever. My heart is heavy for those who continue to care for their loved ones. I know it is a most challenging time that is filled with overwhelming sadness, fatigue, worry, isolation, frustration, questions, concerns, and anger at the whole situation. But I also hope it is a time when love is forefront, governing all that needs to be done. Our loved ones have changed, but they are still there. I remember that we never wanted to see that look of confusion or fear or anger on my dad's face, and somehow, we were able to minimize it with unconditional love, acceptance, and patience - most of the time. It's not easy, I know. But I truly wanted to, and did, enjoy every moment with my dad, this new dad. And part of having that love forefront was remembering to care for me. Again, this was not easy - and I didn't always do it either. But I did become quite skilled at napping during the day when I could to make up for lost sleep. I rarely, but did at times, ask for friends' help and my family was always willing to help when I asked. It got easier to do that asking and was always a life saver. I also was lucky to have found a very kind caregiver for my dad while I was working. She made my life so much easier - and kept my dad happy and my house clean! I never could have done both 24/7, but she made it possible for me on the weekends when I was home. And of course, if anyone had an ear, I would fill it.

The purpose of this entry? I guess to remember out loud that the fight goes on, that families continue to care for their loved ones, and that I personally have them all in my prayers...every day. To my wonderful mother and father in-law, and to Deb and Jim - you are all remarkable people and I love you all.