missing him

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since my dad died. At times, the days have dragged. Other days, they have ended before I knew they started. I spent the first week after his death making phone calls and running errands. I was wired and had so much to do. Between going to the mortuary, putting an obituary in the paper back in MI, designing prayer cards and service folders, planning the memorial service here (with my daughter), planning the service back in MI (still doing that), calling people, notifying appropriate companies/services about his death, gathering information for survivor benefits for his wife, talking with social security and veteran's administration... it all kept me very busy. I still have things to do, but they can wait.

I went to my support group the Thursday after... here I was, at the end of my care giving journey, and there were 3 new people at the meeting at the beginning of theirs.

We had a memorial service this past Monday at our church here. It was so nice...the readings we picked were perfect, the music was beautiful (my kids), and many friends of ours were there to help us celebrate my dad's life - even though most of them had never even met him. I thank them all for their support. I tried to do a eulogy - I had been working on it every evening last week. I made it 1/2 way through before I was rescued by the deacon. My very ugly crying face was up front and center. My words were read, even though they weren't in my voice.

I haven't cooked much, haven't slept much, haven't done too much since then. Outings to eat, went to a casino, saw a movie - they've been distracting. I miss my dad a lot. I know 2 weeks isn't long enough to grieve. When will this feel better? I'll just have to wait and see -

Heaven bound

My dad went to eat breakfast with Jesus and my mom this morning.

Wednesday evening...

I don't know what I would do without Hospice of the Valley. They are wonderful people who have made the last week bearable. They have quickly returned calls, visited 6 times since my dad came back to our home last Friday, and provided me with information, suggestions, counsel, and hugs. My dad's physical condition continues to decline. I think his pain is under control now and he is, for the most part, resting comfortably. This morning he softly said he loved me when I hugged his head, and he is holding my hand a lot now. He even held his care giver's hand, and Tom's too.

Knowing that my dad will not be with us for much longer is sad. It is heartbreaking to see him as he is. It is really difficult, tiring, and overwhelming to care for him. But I am going to miss him very much. I told him that it has been my pleasure caring for him, and it really has been. It's been hard, especially since his physical decline, but it would have been harder not to do this for him. Being able to spend the last year and a half with him has been wonderful, it really has been. Seeing him, getting hugs, playing games, laughing, sharing holidays, spending quiet time - these will be the things I will remember dearly. When he is no longer in his failing body and mind, I am planning on picturing him with my mom, brother, sister...his parents, his brothers and sisters, all those who were part of his life, and of course, with our Lord. He will be strong and whole, rejoicing in his everlasting life. And yet, I know I will be inconsolable for a time.

But in the meantime, I will care for him. I am trying to use the suggestions and help I get from friends and Hospice to make these days comfortable for my dad. This is not easy...the care giving or the accepting of help. But his comfort is of utmost importance to me, and every day, I pray that as he approaches his final journey, he will leave this one with a peaceful heart, love, and dignity.

Amen!

As I type this, I'm waiting for midnight to arrive so I can give my dad his scheduled medications. Looking back at this day, there have been better parts to it than yesterday, but more truths too. My dad's physical decline continues, and with the Alzheimer's added to that, they make for a challenging combination. For now, goal #1 is to keep my dad pain free. There's the reason for my waiting up til midnight and not missing pain medications. Made that mistake last night...not going to do that again. And the power of prayer is alive and well at my house. The Lord's Prayer has been a life saver in distracting my dad from his pain, refocusing him from his agitation, and calming him enough to fall asleep. Amen!